May 8 2016

May 8 2016

It is difficult to write this blog entry because I am afraid it might be the last one. Now I felt quite relieved as this may be the last task to complete on earth. Thank you for praying with me in this journey as I sought to wait on the Lord. I also earnestly pray for His healing to have more time life on  earth to serve Him. The Lord was quick to answer that His will would be otherwise. I have no contest. His will really is higher and the best. As I reflect, I would say that my only regret on earth is that I have missed out opportunities to set aside everything to serve Him because I was unwilling to let go of my pursuit of career success. I had falsely justified my vanity by saying that Christians in position of professional expertise (and power and success) can also be a strong testimony. Although this may be applicable to some people, we have to carefully search our hearts in the light of the Holy Spirit. Praise God that despite all, Jesus’ forgiveness and cleansing blood is all sufficient for even me!    During the week holding off treatment, I had some good parties, celebrating the publishing of our book with Victor’s colleagues, dim sum with my supporting “soup ladies”, relatives visiting to say goodbye, etc. I felt quite content that I have completed what is needed on earth. If you feel like having a more personal goodbye, please app or email me so we can make a connection. I do not quite feel energized to have visitors. I shifted to a new chemotherapy last week. So far, I do not seem to be tolerating well as I was not able to continue this week. My pain is becoming very difficult to manage, with various side effects complicating things. I am so ready and eager to leave this body on earth. Lord, I wait on you, have mercy on me, hold my hand and take me to You!

April 11 2016

April 11, 2016

These days I seek to focus my attention on waiting on the Lord.  I ask earnestly that you pray with me.

My cancer index continues to go up. The doctor has suggested trying another chemotherapy drug. I asked to delay one cycle to seek some relief from the gastrointestinal pain, which may be a side effect of chemotherapy. I am working on managing the pain. Please remember me.

I also desire to devote this time to wait on the Lord. I earnestly seek His healing and to have more time serving Him on earth. If His will is otherwise, I pray that He would reveal His will and help me embrace it.

Our book “同作門徒” has come out! (https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10153842203579300&substory_index=0&id=138357479299). My prayer is that the Lord will use this Bible study series to encourage brothers and sisters to follow Him. It has been a great spiritual blessing working on this with Victor (and our fellowship) for the past two years. There are many things I still I want to do on earth, but to follow Him is all that is needed!

Doris

March 3 2106

Mar 3, 2016

My life is now organized in 3-week cycles of chemotherapy. After discharge from hospital, my lungs have remained about the same. There are days I feel that death may be imminent if my lung collapses again or if an infection turns into pneumonia. Other times I believe that I may still live for a while and God has tasks for me to complete. I swing back and forth wanting to be with the Lord and to stay on earth with loved ones. Well, Philippians 1:21-26 (For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain…) Family and friends have visited during Chinese New Year and this past month. I am so blessed!  Now saying goodbye is very painful as it may be the last time.  In the midst of such pain I notice that my love for folks is deeper than I previously thought.

Physically I am very skinny (90 lbs) now. I work hard on eating. Praise God for His constant supply of soup, dumplings, and desserts provided by loving sisters. They keep my appetite alive! May the Lord also nourish them richly with His love!  I also do more breathing exercises. It is difficult to keep my motivation when you only see decline no matter what you do.

I took the challenge to teach Sunday School with Victor on Sunday mornings. This immediately turns out to be the highlight of my week, keeping me focused on worship matters and the study of His Word. Otherwise, I feel quite purposeless as I have completed almost all my tasks on the to-do list. I am close to finishing another book with Victor on 10 healing miracles. Victor wrote the messages. I wrote the bible study questions, the applications for the sick and suffering as well as for the supporters/caretakers. As I do the editing and revisions, I am most delighted to say that I believe and strive to practice what I have written. [From day 1, I want to commit to His sovereign good will.] I am now enriching the content with a brief section on psychological perspectives. After I am done, what is next?! I worry a bit. May the Lord lead.

Prayer Request: 1) To gain weight, 2) To breathe well, 3) To be hopeful despite the rising cancer marker,   4) To keep my spiritual focus.

Doris

February 2 2016

Feb 2 2016, Discharge from Hospital

Two-Week

Well I am discharged after two weeks of hospitalization. The two-week stay was unexpected due to complications. I have an iatrogenic pneumothorax. My lung collapsed. To my disappointment, my lung did not expand back to its original position. However during these two weeks I had so richly experienced God’s blessing that I now embrace the sovereign will of God with gratefulness. My experience with God is beyond words. However I would share those blessings I can easily count with you.

First, I was hospitalized just before the cold weather seized Hong Kong. Otherwise I might have been risk of breathing problems and complications such as pneumonia as well.

Second, I witnessed two ladies passed away. Their beds were opposite mine and I looked into their eyes as they slowly pass away with decreasing heart beat and blood pressure. The Lord prepares me to embrace death by witnessing the physiological aspects of it. The Holy Spirit gently teaches me the hope I have in His salvation, which is markedly different from those who grieved in death and dying without such hope.

Third, the Lord used me in my weaknesses. In my physical and emotional weakness, the Lord taught me to merely set aside my SELF and let Him do His work. As I submit to the Lord, He uses me to bless a person in some unexpected way. Never underestimate God and what He can do through you when you are willing!

Fourth, the discharge was delayed. Initially I was very disappointed. When I submitted to His sovereign good will, I noted that the Lord has prepared a sister (in the Lord), a wound specialist, to manage my wound after discharge. He also used this delay to give me yet another opportunity to bless and be blessed by other patients. His way is higher!

Prayer request:

1. Pray for my lungs to still recover.  May God protect me from infection! 

2. Pray for the effectiveness of another chemo medication that it will control the cancer growth.

3. Pray for time with family. 

January 23 2016

Jan 23 2016, Unexpected Hospitalization

I was hospitalized unexpectedly to remove pleural fluid. The procedure became complicated when my lung collapsed without returning to its original position. On top of that, there is a "bubble" in the lung and needs to be removed. I waited and waited.

Then.....Today was quite a day! I had good news in the morning that the lung has some expansion! Then the afternoon crashed into a turmoil in our hospital room. The newly admitted old lady who seemed quite alert and energetic started to choke in the afternoon. The nurse quickly gave her oxygen and did everything needed. The family was immediately contacted. To my surprise that was already a call to say goodbye. They were waiting for the son to return from Shenzhen. The family members cried, saying goodbye, pleading for the lady to hold on and wait for the son to return. It became emotional for the 5 of us bedridden going nowhere but to stay in bed going through this emotional storm. For me I had to watch her fade away with decreasing heartbeat unless I closed my eyes or turned away.  (I was so slow in responding with prayer.) This became unbearable for the lady whose bed was closest to the old lady. She had just managed to calm down yesterday and this trggered her again; she started tearing the tubes off her and spewing angry words towards her husband.

It was very tense! Now everything has calmed down. It is all quiet and you can hear only the cleaning lady. Mostly I felt helpless and guilty that life goes on everyday like this everywhere and it seems like we can do little to make life better despite being a believer.  I have a lot of love and care from family and brothers and sisters in the Lord although I am undeserving. This makes me feel guilty.

Well at the end of the day, what can I say? I guess I hold onto the fact that God loves me. It is not about doing (what I do) or being (who I am) - [I am certainly not a great person.] It is about who He is. God is love. Although I cannot quite make meaning of what I experience today, tonight I rest on Psalm 131 --- My heart is not haughty nor my eyes lofty, neither do I exercise myself in great matters or in things too high for me.  Lord, let me simply rest in your loving arms like a weaned child. 

December 21 2015

Dec 21, 2015

During this time, Victor and I have a discrepancy – I am eager to be with the Lord and feel that we should be grieving our eventual separation. Victor perceives differently and believes God will somehow provide a way out. Sometimes we feel a tension due to this difference. What binds us together is that we are both committed to seeking the sovereign will of God. I guess this is critical in marriage – to seek God’s will for each of us individually and as a couple, trusting that He would lead and guide accordingly, (and not insisting on our own position).

Today I got the CT scan results indicating that the cancer had spread to the liver and bones. I am not surprised with the findings. I decide to still proceed with the 3rd chemotherapy cycle as scheduled tomorrow and then give some time to consider whether it is time to discontinue treatment and shift to palliative care. Although there are still “chemotherapy treatment options,” I believe at some point I want to make the decision with peace and conviction.

Some folks are convinced that Christians “must” pray for healing with faith. I do not exactly agree. My faith is that God can certainly heal and it can be in whatever way that pleases him. He can work through traditional or alternative medicine, diet, exercise, meditation and different spiritual practices, etc., but His miracles are not bound by these means, His miracles are above and beyond. Some folks believe that we should always be “positive.” I do not need a false hope that I would get better. I am not waiting for death. I am “waiting on the Lord“, and for His will for me to be fulfilled. I want to complete His will for me on earth and press towards the finish line. May the Lord be merciful and carry me through! 

December 2 2015

Dec 2, 2015

Well I become impatient, hoping that the Lord would take me to Him in my sleep or something, so that I may be spared from the painful treatment! The truth is there is no escape for now. I must walk step-by-step. So I had my 2nd chemotherapy shot yesterday.

These days my body has continued to decline – more dizziness, easily fatigue, etc.. Gradually it has become more challenging to focus on praying and on His Word. It is generally easier to be passive in worship (listening to hymns, have others pray for me, etc.) than to be active. Victor and I started work on a new Sunday School series on leadership through the study of Kings and Chronicles. This keeps me going a little bit. But overall it is easy to “feel distant” from God without the usual church activities and spiritual practices. Sometimes I also have “bad dreams” of a spiritual nature. This may be due to the medication causing nightmares or just my body not being able to rest well. It can feel spiritually disconcerting.

I cry earnestly for the Lord’s mercy. The prayer deep in my heart is that God will allow me to go to Him in peace with confidence and joy, not in fear or in bitterness feeling abandoned by His love because of pain. Lord, help me hold onto you. 

Doris

November 16 2015

Nov 16 Before Chemo

 I come to terms that there is really no escape from feelings of vulnerability as my body declines. Refugees, children, women, elderly, and a lot of people experience various forms of vulnerabilities in their circumstances. I have lived a life too privileged to understand their pain. I look up to God for “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).”

.

I had half of my 1st chemo shot last Tuesday and tomorrow I will have the other half shot. My brother visited last weekend and I felt rested that I had said goodbye to all my family members. Prior to my chemotherapy, I settled most matters. I arranged to give away my money, my clothes, my jewelry, my professional books, etc. and now I am left with the basics. I am happy about making these arrangements. Giving away our possessions really helps us detach from earthly things. I thought about how Jesus’ disciples left “everything” to follow Jesus. It is not easy to give away one’s possessions. I cannot quite do that until this moment with a terminal illness. The harder part is giving away our desires to be significant, accomplished, powerful, admirable, excellent, etc. in the worldly sense. Only in the face of death can I leave this behind. There is actually tremendous peace.

 These days I am dependent on my family and friends’ love and care to sustain me. And I try my best to live because of their love for me. If the Lord would heal me, I pray that He would teach me how to live life. If the Lord would receive me to His bosom, I pray that He would help me follow Him step by step with faith.

November 8 2015

The Pain of Dying, Nov 8

The past two weeks have been difficult. I learned that the target therapy was not working well and the oncologist recommended me to prepare for 6 cycles of chemotherapy shot. I was also hospitalization again to have pleural (lung) fluid removed.

The hospitalization was unpleasant. First I did not have the usual pain medication provided. Second the removal was difficult, triggering more coughing. Third, I was bed-ridden that night. I (and two other ladies) needed pee-pans. These things were not immediately available as one would wish. Spilling the contents would mess up the bed and clothes you wear. Due to the medication, I also had problems urinating. Combining these three factors, this set off my anxiety over loss of bodily control and feelings of vulnerability, which lingered on for the past two weeks.

I do not want to romanticize the dying process. I have wanted to finish my race with things wrapped up neatly and organized. I have wanted to be the child ready to reunite with parents’ after a long day of school, with everything well done. I hope to be immediately taken by the Lord and be spared of the “dying.” In reality, I toss and turn over the pain and discomfort. I worry about gasping for air, excreting waste, etc.. Yes, there is the spiritual aspect embracing God in the dying process. But the physical and emotional aspects are also very real. I felt that my “vulnerable self” is taking over my usual self. It is as if I regress to the fearful child who cry and cry, over and over unknown pains and discomforts and loss of control.

We are to meet God broken and naked. Old Testament Job 1:21 “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” I feel this nakedness – as I am. Despite all the years of effort overcoming these primitive fears to become confident, capable, achieving, educated, etc.. I do not want to feel naked, helpless and vulnerable. In the dying process, you have to face again who I am. In my nakedness, I cried to the Lord for mercy.

Specific prayer items: 1) Chemotherapy beginning Nov 10. 2) Victor and I having peace in the Lord together regarding His will. 3) Holding onto His presence in times of physical and emotional pain.

October 9 2015

Oct 19, 2015

The commitment to pray has been good. I prayed for a church evangelistic meeting in U.S. and was delighted to find that a family member attended and accepted Christ. This brings great joy to our family. I learned that we only need to be faithful in praying. Sometimes I simply remember the person, not knowing the circumstances and details; knowing that the Lord works in His wonderful way. This way we wait on the Lord without passing “judgement” on how things should be. The Lord has also sent angels to bring me food, which whet my appetite significantly. I eat better. Words cannot express my gratitude. God’s providence is amazing. May God bless and reward their love. My students have also sent kind words to encourage me. I can only praise God for His blessings in surprisingly ways. I still long to be with the Lord “quickly” and be spared a slow and painful dying process. Some days I cry for His mercy. I struggle to submit to His sovereign will. May He carry me through! Specific Prayer Requests: 1. The effectiveness of the target therapy. 2. To cope with the pain. 3.To walk step-by-step with faith and hope.

October 1 2015

Oct 1, 2015

Thank you for your prayer and support! It has carried me through this time. I experienced peace despite increasing pain and discomfort. I was hospitalized once due to intense pain and had pleural fluid drawn from my lungs. Unfortunately the release from discomfort was short-lived. During hospitalization, I had quite some time alone doing nothing. As I quietened down, I felt ready to meet my Lord and pray that I may be released from this body on earth. I had closure with most things and felt ready to leave. There is not much to look forward to now as my activities are increasingly restricted. I can only wait on Him. “But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.” (Psalm 39:7) I have to wait for His timing and His sovereign will. Now I merely desire to be relieved from the body. I pray earnestly to be ready to embrace God with faith, hope and love. Is that possible? What exactly does that mean? Can I be joyful and peaceful when the moment comes? My sister has come back from U.S. to care for me. I am thankful for all the love and support I have received from family and friends, knowing that I deserve nothing. I am so privileged to have you! Victor has also been wonderful and has come to accept my plight. It is difficult for him to see me in pain. We are journeying together and trust that he also would be blessed with faith, hope and love. I am confident that God will have new blessings in the days to come. I depend on God in breathing, eating, sleeping, and disposing bodily waste because they are a challenge nowadays. I am also praying not to be entirely body-centered and pain-focused. I pray to draw close to Him and submit to His sovereign good will. I pray to always hope in healing because with Him nothing is impossible. I pray to live day-by-day with gratitude and joy. I don’t think there is much for me to do on earth. If there is, I pray that God will show me. Although I cannot do much, I can pray. So I am going to devoted myself to prayer. If you have any prayer request, send me an email (moknyap@gmail.com) or whatsapp me. It would be the most meaningful task while waiting on the Lord on earth! 

August 26 2015

August 26, 2015

After two weeks, I have gained better perspective of my illness. First, I continue to get myself ready to meet my Lord. Second, I continue to hope in God for His healing mercies. Third, I am learning to live day by day. Finally, I ask God if there is anything God wants me to do on earth. I have begun this new target drug for two weeks now. The side effects are manageable so far. I had some rash. Pray that the doctor will find out if it is effective or not soon enough. Do not worry about our financial needs – we will use our savings first. It is not like this drug can be effective for many years. So, we are taking one step at a time. The pain has increased. So whether it is this drug or another chemotherapy drug, the goal now is to contain the cancer as much as possible to reduce the pain and harm to the body, until one day nothing is effective or the body wears out. I earnestly pray that the Lord will give me strength in this process – I do not want to become bitter or angry in the midst of pain, or to feel far from His Love. I started going through my things – reading my devotional journal during teenage years (I was so very disciplined in writing them!), going through graduation pictures, listening to old tapes, remembering the first time I was interpreter for worship, etc… Of course, the wonderful time I have spent with you. Thank God for this Blessed Life!

Doris Mok

August 11 2015

August 11, 2015

Dear Friends,

I have not sent an update through email for a while. Well, after my recurrence in 2013 I had a 2-year oral chemotherapy regimen, which finished in May 2015. I celebrated briefly and went to Shanghai with Victor for a few days. I felt energized and prayed for a job in Hong Kong as I finally resigned from University of Macau. It was a really hard goodbye.

The past year has been a slow process of loss, of letting go, of accepting my lot and ultimately to submit to God's sovereign good will. I have become less focused on my thoughts and feelings and rarely write down my reflections, which is why I had not sent an email update for a while.

After the 1-year no pay leave of absence from University of Macau, I want to find a job in Hong Kong so that I can engage in something more meaningful. Unfortunately most doors were closed. I have the feeling that God is showing me to say goodbye to my career. On the other hand, there are always physical ailments here and there to remind me that I cannot simply move on. While the numbers (cancer markers) appear decent, I started having some pain which became more intense in July. Finally I had a PET/CT early August and sure enough there were metastases here and there, and mostly in the lungs. By now I am quite prepared for the results although it was still hard.

Today the doctor recommended a new target therapy. I have read about it from journal articles almost a year ago. In fact I was about the request that treatment because I am not sure if it is offered in Hong Kong. So I am all ready to accept this treatment except the price tag scares me to death!! Close to HKD$20,000 a month (US$2500). It is like burning money. I cried because I do not want my savings used that way. I  hope to find out whether it is effective at all soon. If not I would not go back to traditional chemotherapy. I would seek palliative care for the final stage. So please pray for God's guidance.

I still want life. But I am praying more for the ability to endure pain during this final stage. I want to transition to the new life and new body feeling hopeful. I am embracing God and that death is only the passage to Him. I pray to be in good spirits (godly spirit) and not doubt His love for me. I have lived a life well loved by others. I want to thank you from the very bottom of my being for all of you. You have blessed my life!! I probably would not send updates anymore but may write an entry for those interested to find out what is going on at The Good Fight www.goodfightdoris.blogspot.com

Break

May 7 2015

Dear Friends,

My 2-year oral chemotherapy regimen ended in the 3^rd week of May and I have reached the 2 year survival mark after the recurrence of cancer in 2013! Halleluiah! Thank you for all your prayers and timely support!  

I recalled that I was initially upbeat about treatment after my surgery in May 2013. Then in October 2013, I mistook the egg-like hematoma as cancer growing back rapidly and rushed back from California to Hong Kong. In a short time I prepared a to-do list as death seemed imminent. After the PET/CT “cleared” me of cancer, I continued to review this list and have crossed out many items.  Every morning I prayed for submission to the sovereign will of God, committing my days into God’s hands.

I took a semester of Sabbatical leave in 2013, went back to work in 2014 and then finally took a leave of absence for the academic year 2014-2015. During this time, I strived to “keep going.” But every time I tried to do something, I felt held back by different physical ailments.  It was most frustrating. Gradually I succumbed. Very slowly I let go of my desires and my dreams. The hardest part was to say goodbye to the academic career and to make the decision to leave Macau. This is because I now do not have anything I look forward to.

Well I actually did a variety of things: Exercise, housework, devotion, prepare Sunday school and Bible study materials, offer professional counseling, met with friends, help Victor with church ministries.  In some way, this is a very full and blessed life.  I am truly thankful just being able to eat, sleep, move around and be relatively pain-free.  But there is a part of me that feel bored and my brain was so under-stimulated! I become flat and unmotivated.  My memory deteriorated which may be due to aging as well as this stay-home life.

There is restlessness in me and I still want more in life.  So I feel conflicted in me. Like Jacob in the Old Testament, finally I gave up striving but I hold onto God and ask Him to bless me.

July 23 2014

July 23 2014 

Dear friends,

It is close to August! I have been on oral chemotherapy for 1 year now. I have now experienced more of the cumulative side effects. Mostly the liver functioning is not that great, so now I get tired quite a bit, lose appetite, have fatty liver and experience flu-like symptoms a lot of days.  The good news is that the golf-ball size hematoma under my armpits appears to be resolving and the size is now about 1 cm. The bad news is that it has become cystic and so the discomfort stays! I grieve over the slow loss of functioning in different areas. 

I have finished teaching in Macau. Praise God! It was a good semester. I enjoyed it. However I also realized that teaching is physically stressful and at times the workday seems too long with back-to-back teaching, supervision and meetings.  In the past it is fine to stress out a bit and then relax. Nowadays it is hard because I do not bounce back easily.  The greatest challenge is to manage eating and exercising since work easily takes priority.  So I applied for no-pay leave and am prepared to resign. I want to spend a year with Victor, serving alongside with him in case we may not have this opportunity for too long.

The lesson I am struggling with during this time is holding on and letting go. On good days I feel hopeful and want to hold onto the possibility that I may get fully well and continue to live for a while.  I then would want to hold onto professional work or come up with new project ideas and plans.  It makes me feel alive and energetic. On bad days I feel like I would only have a short while on earth and therefore it seems best to walk away and let go. I try to discern the difference between “giving up” and “letting go” – not easy!  Good or bad days are mostly determined by health condition. Usually it is worst at the end of each chemotherapy cycle.  [The irony is that sometimes on “bad days,” people say I look “really good!”] It is difficult to feel hopeful when you are physically not well.  Everything also seems rather meaningless.  I sway between the two – sometimes wanting to make commitments and the next day wanting to withdraw. 

During this time, I have experienced that every time I try to strive, I am held back.  At times I feel discouraged and down trodden. Slowly I have succumbed to resting in God’s sovereign will and pray for peace to embrace whatever God’s plan is on me, and that He may be glorified in my life or death.  I believe it is a dying process to the self-focused life I am so very used to. I am embracing both life and death at the same time physically, mentally and spiritually.

Well despite all this, I still enjoyed teaching a Sunday school class with Victor on 10 healing miracles in the Bible. I prepared the lessons last summer after the recurrence of cancer. I was greatly blessed by this study and was delighted that I lived to share with others what the Lord has taught me. 

During one of my low moments, I made a new commitment to make each day a gift. I tried to give a gift each day. I also counted the gifts I received. So far the balance sheet indicates that I receive a lot (maybe more than I give).  I will share more after I practice this for a few months.  I continue to ask for your prayers – you are God’s great gifts to me!

 Doris

March 4 2014

March 4 2014

 Quite a few folks have asked me how I am doing and I noticed I had not sent a note for a while. Well, thank you for your prayers and continuous support!

 In early Dec, I was blessed by 2 Co 5:1-10 during worship. I was reminded I would not be naked (v2) when we meet God and that what is mortal may be swallowed by life (v4)… So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it (V9). You must read the whole passage, it was so uplifting! I began to long for a new body and hope for the new life.

 Then I completed my second doctorate (Doctor of Education) from University of Southern California and the degree was posted on Dec 18, 2013.  I started this degree in 2006 to obtain a secular degree that might pave the way to teach in China!  After I had cancer in 2010, I put it on hold and gave up.  Then I decided to persevere and experience God in the process.  Indeed He guided me through step by step – teaching me what to read, helping me get unstuck in the statistical analyses and even guiding me how to format the tables. It was a delight to experience His direction in an intimate way despite the uncertainty that I might not be able to press through the finish line. Then when I had the recurrence last March, all this seems to be in vain. I totally did not think it would be of any use. I would have 2 doctorates but no life to make use of them for benefit of others. In tears, I prayed that if the Lord will, may He use it somehow.  He PUSHED me

 through in amazing ways!  I learn that even if I may not finish a task, I will walk one step at a time once that step is available.

 On January 6, 2014, my birthday, I shared at the chapel of a local seminary. Usually I want to have a special treat for birthdays. But this year, I was thankful to be alive and testifying God! My birthday wish is 年年有今日, 歲歲有今朝 i.e. many more years to testify His healing grace!

 On February 2, 2014, my eldest sister passed away. At age 37, a drunk driver put her into a persistent vegetative state in a car accident. She lived for another 30 years, confined in her earthly body. For many years I asked God “why” and “what good can come out from this?” God has taught me about His sovereign will – you do not know but you trust in Him.  In the obituary, we wrote “Only God and she would know what the last 30 years were like for her. However, one thing is for sure- neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39).” Somehow I was able to find rest that the only way to life is to trust in God’s sovereign will and to make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it (1 Cor 5: 9).

 Please pray for her husband and children.

 Well, I returned to Macau to finish this academic year. I was at first worried about meeting the Sabbatical leave requirements. Finally I decided to just do what is possible (instead of do my best). I wanted to wrap up well. In fact, I decided to complete some of the research projects I had started and collected data, and one step at a time. Why bother when I am planning to quit? First, I like to persevere and bring things to completion. Second, as I reflect on my career, one thing that I regret was that I did not do sufficient academic writing and journal publication primarily because I could not stand being criticized and rejected by journal reviewers! (Some can be helpful but some just trash your work!) I decided to go through this process, not for career advancement, but to face my weakness and made a step forward to make changes. It is never too late to better yourself as a person. Even if I may die soon, it is still good to take the tiny step to change “ME.”  Third, I may live long and also there may be some unknown good coming out of it - Never lose hope!

 Lastly, this period is not all rosy but with struggles. I fired at Victor because he provoked me (his perspective – teasing me) for taking a taxi to do a guest lecture. I was so mad I woke him up in the middle of the night to tell him how miserable I felt. I need him to understand my health needs more. Well then we made up and learned to appreciate each other’s perspective! I got anxious because my Liver Function Index is not great (please pray for it!) Then I had stomach flu or stomach pain and I worried.  Sometimes I felt guilty for having some delicious food and was sure I would be punished for it….. Many other mini-dramas!  But overall God’s grace is really sufficient!!!

 I decided that after this semester, I would not work until I finish the 2-year chemotherapy. Please pray for God’s clear guidance. I am now going into 10 months’ treatment. Please pray that the side effects of the chemotherapy would be bearable. Thank you for standing by me in prayer.

November 20 2013

Nov 20, 2013

Dear friends,

You may wonder how I am doing. I have been fine. Praise God!! In fact after the death anxiety subsided, I am less tired. So I am doing better!

I am now on my 5^th course of chemotherapy. Well my liver enzymes are still somewhat elevated, but it seems fine to the doctor for me to proceed. The lump is still there; its size is like an egg, so it is like having an egg under your armpit. It is not comfortable. But since death is not imminent, I am learning to live with it as a good thorn that reminds me to relax and stretch frequently. I am learning to submit my body into God’s good hands and to trust in His healing hands. I practice more body awareness exercises through prayer. I ask for your prayers that the Lord may grant me complete healing according to His good and perfect will.

Now that I have calmed down, I reflected on the 3 “long” weeks worrying about recurrence and a quick decline of health towards death. During that time I compiled my to-do list and it is actually extremely short. I mourned the loss of some unfulfilled dreams and realized then nothing is really that significant. We would all go back to God alone, naked. We do not bring our list of accomplishments. Even relationships would not help in those moments. Now that death is not imminent, I ponder how I should live. Well there isn’t anything I particularly care to do! The negative side is that I feel a bit empty, stagnant and listless. I have been such a “driven” person. The positive side is that now I do not feel the need to advance and worry less about how I would be perceived or judged by others. No need to achieve and no need to please -- it is good! I earnestly would like to live well each day and be able to leave behind some gifts to others although I do not know what exactly they are yet. I want to use the gifts I am blessed with to somehow bless others. I pray that I may be able to “give away” what I have and to finish the race well. I wonder if God has any specific assignment for me. I wait only on Him! I think it takes the imminence of death to change me. Thankfully this transforms me to become a bit more God-centered other-centered and a bit less self-centered. For a while I want to “know” how many years I have so that I can “plan” accordingly! It really is in God’s wisdom that I am not to know – I am to discern only the next step.

I still keep the same prayer each day – crying for God’s mercy when I wake up, committing my mind, body and spirit into His hands. May He make me a blessing today. It is a simple and good practice to keep me focused on Him.

Thank you for journeying with me!

Doris

October 4 2013

October 4, 2013

Dear friends,

I am very, very, grateful for all your prayers! Yesterday I brought the PET/CT scan report to the oncologist. Yes, indeed there is a mass (2.5 cm X 3.6 cm X 4.3cm) but it does not look cancerous at this point. The oncologist said to just monitor it for now and continue with my oral chemotherapy. So I consider this the best possible outcome. Praise God! May He heal me according to His sovereign will!

My journey back home was smooth; somehow it gave me hope that the Lord can make our return journey to Him a peaceful one as well. I was so thankful to be back as I was afraid to be stuck in U.S. without medical insurance. With the jet lag, I had insomnia and some nights I was overwhelmed by negative thoughts and feelings. I cried to the Lord for mercy. I prayed to submit to Him no matter what. In the daytime I tried to get a lot of things done. I went to an attorney’s office to do a will. We cleaned the house to prepare for major chemotherapy and lowered immunity. I am much more ready now for whatever the Lord’s plan would be.

Of course we prayed a lot, for ourselves and for others. The Lord had blessed me with Psalm 116:

1 I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.
² Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.

³ The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came over me; I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
⁴ Then I called on the name of the Lord: “Lord, save me!”

⁵ The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.
⁶ The Lord protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me.

⁷ Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.

⁸ For you, Lord, have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling,
⁹ that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

¹⁰ I trusted in the Lord when I said, “I am greatly afflicted”;
¹¹ in my alarm I said, “Everyone is a liar.”

¹² What shall I return to the Lord for all his goodness to me?

¹³ I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.
¹⁴ I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people.

¹⁵ Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants.
¹⁶ Truly I am your servant, Lord; I serve you just as my mother did; you have freed me from my chains.

¹⁷ I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the Lord.
¹⁸ I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people,
¹⁹ in the courts of the house of the Lord in your midst, Jerusalem. Praise the Lord.

Every verse in this Psalm is precious to me. In particular the Lord calls me to be His faithful servant.

I received a lot of encouraging emails. The very special ones were from my former Sunday school students. One prayed that“…and if it be His will that you should join Him then it will be with utmost gladness.” Indeed it is my prayer that when the time comes, I would be ready to embrace Him with utmost gladness! We do not have to die in fear, pain and agony. May the Lord bless us! Another reminded me the power of prayer. His father bought my car for him when I left U.S. I prayed for special protection of driver and passengers because I did not want him to get hurt in my car, in case he drove too fast or doze off or something. This young man shared how he experienced God’s “warm glow” around him during the car accident. The car was totally wrecked but he climbed out of it unscathed. Indeed God answered prayers in amazing ways! The young man wrote: “For the presence of God will give us protection when we pass through fire and water... and freeways.” I was deeply moved – even though we do not know what would happen in the future. In His perfect way, He prompts us to pray in ways such that we are all blessed to experience His presence!

Even as I enjoy this moment of relief, I remember those dear to my heart that are preparing for intense treatment, those that are praying desperately for their children’s condition, etc. I believe in the power of prayer!! I am not worthy of the goodness bestowed on me. None of us do. But God is merciful. May He help us walk each step with trust!

Doris 

September 30 2013

September 20 2013

Dear prayer friends,

My trip was initially wonderful. We have designated this to be a 25-day journey of Psalm 103:1-2 “Praise the LORD, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 2 Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits.” I usually love verses 3-5 about God’s blessings of forgiveness, healing, salvation, etc.

I had the opportunity to share at an elderly fellowship on Hezekiah. I was reminded how we all need to trust in the Lord each and every day. We did manage to visit quite a few places with significant memories, reminiscing of our experiences and praising God for all the blessings He bestowed on us.

Well the good days were really brief. Last Thursday I discovered that there was a big lump under my armpits and even Victor could feel it, so it was not a good sign. For the past few days, I note that the lump is growing larger and so we change our ticket to an even earlier date and we would be leaving this midnight. This is the thing about cancer. Although I look fine, no one (except God) knows what is going on in the body. When the organs are hit, the decline can be rapid. If I cannot board a plane I would be stuck with no insurance for health care here. I would become a burden to Victor and my sister. Fortunately our travel agent was able to help us just before the holiday to get our tickets changed. So now we are set to go this midnight.

There is never enough time to say goodbye. I am getting more ready to let go and let God. I realize I may meet Him soon and now all that I want is to be able to have complete rest in His sovereign will and to commit my mind body and soul to Him for His glory. All the other things now become unimportant.

I have been working on the healing book with Victor. I asked myself whether I really believe in the stuff I have written…Do I really believe in God’s healing – that He can, that He is willing, that He loves us and cares that we are in pain, that He knows our barriers to receive healing….? Do I really believe that other people’s prayers matters? (The centurion for his servant, the Canaanite woman for her daughter and Jairus for his daughter despite the news that she is dead, etc….) My answer is that I do. But I pray to experience all this first hand as well.

No matter what the path is. Jesus’ prayer at Gethsemane “not my will, but thy will” supersedes all prayers and requests for healing. God determines how He would glorify Himself in our lives and deaths as well. The ultimate and final prayer of Christ is that we commit our soul into our Heavenly Father’s hands. So I pray that I can hold onto this.

I need all your prayers as I journey into this unknown turf.

Doris

August 26 2013

August 26, 2013

In my last email (which some of you did not receive) I shared my struggles. People have responded differently. The best part was that some folks shared with me their struggles more intimately – helping me to put my trial in a proper perspective. Indeed this is what I believe – to face who we are before God authentically. So I will share with you my journey for the past two months.

Regarding my arm, I had physical therapy and learned (from the physical therapist) that 1) if I am not in tears for the pain, it is not that bad. 2) If I can move, then I should be thankful and keep on exercising. Now I do water aerobics every morning at 7 am for about half an hour. Then I also have evening prayer walks with Victor, plus some tai chi like exercises before bed. I am better. Praise God.

I still wake up early morning and combat depressed and anxious thoughts and feelings with prayer. It is an opportunity to practice crying out to the Lord and entrusting ourselves to Him. Every day I pray for submission to God’s sovereign will, acknowledging that “we shall die on the day and at the hour and in the manner that God decides, and it is this particular death we should accept, because it is the one most becoming His glory” (Jean Baptiste Saint-Jure). May God be glorified, in our lives or in our deaths! I also practice longing for heaven, and not be too afraid of the transition to eternity through death. At times I get a bit too far, wanting to let go of earthly things too readily and wishing to die quickly (of course desiring a painless process!)

Well I have some time to ponder about work and come to the conclusion that I am content and thankful for my career. I do not need to advance any more. I was then very tempted to just quit my teaching job in Macau and move back to Hong Kong. In fact I was very tempted to take up private practice and perhaps live on the income. This way I do not have to work so hard and I can be with Victor in Hong Kong all the time. But in the process I realize that I do have a calling to serve God in Macau. I felt that the Lord move me to take a step of faith (I would say a huge one in the midst of my current vulnerabilities) to go for BSF training in U.S. and work on starting a pilot class in Macau. I am deeply convinced that we need serious Bible study in Macau. However just when I had booked the ticket and was all set to go (completing the assignments, etc.), this “faith journey” was put on hold when the Headquarters questioned whether I would be physically fit to participate in the intense week-long training and all the follow-up tasks to get a pilot class going. I was having a mild case of flu and feeling so vulnerable I quickly responded by withdrawal from the training. Victor felt that I should have stuck through because we had made all the effort (and some sacrifice) already. From his perspective, my energy level was not that different before chemotherapy – in fact he got the flu too and my symptoms were not worse than his. We both felt that BSF was an important ministry and perhaps someday the Lord willing we can be in China serving and I can be involved in BSF in China. Now some of you have been supportive of my going as a faith journey. Some of you are concerned about my health and suggest I should rest more. Different opinions come from spiritually mature folks who earnestly pray for me. So I come to the conclusion that both are valid and that I can have peace either way – knowing that I love the Lord and my only desire is to follow His will. Moreover I trust in His sovereign will that His plan for me and for Macau BSF is definitely much higher than mine. May His will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Honestly I felt somewhat relieved. I am not sure I can pull through with a BSF commitment. I do not know whether cancer would recur again and how long I would live. It does not seem “right” for me to commit to a 5-year ministry. On the other hand, I may have been overcome by depressed and negative thinking and therefore lose the sense of longevity. I cannot really discern. Mentally I cannot strive and I cannot assert my will over my body. (In the past my volition always prevails and I had overcome many obstacles to reach my goals.) For now, I see the limit of my mental stamina and my will power. But then to go or not does not matter that much. At the break of the day and at the end of the day, I note that I love God. That is all that matters. So I am going to try to serve God without striving much, trusting that the Holy Spirit will direct me and carry me through to do what pleases Him. I live one day at a time and only carry short-term projects (within a few months).

In some way this has been a blessing. God has used this to purify me – there is not much vanity left and since I am somewhat depressed I don’t derive much pleasure in these work or service activities to feed the ego. Service (or work) relieves me from excessive self-focus and negative thinking. It also becomes pathways to make meaning and to experience faith, hope and love. I have prayed for faith, hope and love when I first have cancer 3 years ago because these are the only long lasting gifts that we can bring to eternity. But we do not suddenly acquire them as if they are some external mythical objects. It is in life trials that we receive them and we have to humbly practice faith, hope, and love daily in small matters each day such that these gifts can grow from within.

Victor and I will still be going to U.S. – maybe it is good for us to just enjoy each other and hide out a bit. It will really be our time together – we may not have a lot of these opportunities in the future. So I apologize in advance if we do not contact you or decline visits with you. 

May 25 2013

 May 25, 2013

Yesterday I joined the BSF prayer group in Macau. We really prayed for Macau and the possibility of BSF pilot class. I am going to apply to be a Teaching Leader. God has called me to move ahead despite all this. [The oral chemotherapy makes it possible for me to travel to U.S. and receive training in their Headquarters in October.] The Lord purifies my motives in the experience. As a group we now shared intimately, we are even more united in prayer! They carry me through this illness. We know that we rely only on God. He will make a way for Macau.

I also had a supervision session with a social service agency. The Lord reminded me that BSF will take priority over my professional work. I have wanted to be in “full-time ministry” at age 50. Now the distinction between work and ministry is not that significant for me. Rather I am now to do only what God wants me to do, to be faithful to His call, not with my own strivings.

Today I have set aside a day of prayer, Bible study, meditation and reflection.

First I started studying death in the Bible. I decided to learn about death and dying from the perspective of the Bible. The first account of death in the Bible was Abel, unfortunately a victim of violence…

Should write my prayer letter:

May 25

Dear friends,

On Thursday I received the final pathology report. The cancer is indeed recurrence of the past one. I am thankful that it was not HER2 requiring an expensive target chemotherapy with bad effects on the heart. Instead I will begin oral chemotherapy beginning next Monday.

1) Please pray that the Lord will use the oral chemotherapy to kill cancer cells (there is no guarantee) and that the side effects will be minimal and tolerable. Only God can heal me!

2) Please pray for wisdom to do only the tasks the Lord lead me. I decide I will not go back to the www.goodfightdoris.blogspot.com because I will not be “fighting” against cancer as much. Rather I am focusing on finishing the race. [2 Tim 4: 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.] Someday when the time for departure is near, may the Lord help me pour out my life like a drink offering.

3) Please pray for both Victor and I as we adjust our ministry commitments. May the Lord grant us clear direction responding to His call. 

PS I am attaching my journal for those who want to know my learning process for the past 2 weeks.

Doris

May 23 2013

May 23, 2013

Today I tried another herbal medicine doctor, who claimed his patients do not have recurrence! Oh well! Really need wisdom on these treatments! Need to trust God – He is my real DOCTOR!

The breast surgeon’s office suddenly called me for the final pathology report – I was unprepared psychologically and became quite anxious fearing that the cancer involved HER2 and I would need the expensive target chemotherapy which is tough on the heart. I asked the church pastors (through Victor’s WHATSAPP) to pray for me. I can only rely on prayer. Thankfully the HER2 cancer was negative. Praise God it was confirmed that the cancer had not really "changed" that much. My surgeon finalized my treatment plan - I would take an oral chemotherapy and hopefully the side effects would be minimal. This is the best option I can hope for. I feel somewhat relieved. It has been a very long wait – for March to May. In the process I surrender my strivings to God. I can only depend on Him. Others’ prayers have carried me through. 

May 22 2013

May 22, 2013

My ultimate prayer: This morning I woke up praying that I would be able to endure the pain in the final days and to rest assured that the Lord would be there the whole time to carry me through death to eternity. The process is unknown; I am still a bit scared. I can only practice trusting Him daily from now on.

My question on HOW THEN SHOULD I l LIVE shifted to HOW THEN SHOULD I DIE? Wonder if anyone has written a book to prepare us to embrace eternity through death. It is a paradox – to learn to live and die at the same time!

Today is a gloomy day with heavy rain – I went to Victor’s office and forced myself to do some work and chat with some folks. Indeed God helped me out of feeling “blah!” I need to be determined to be blessing to others no matter what! 

May 21 2013

May 21, 2013

Yesterday I had a lemon coke. I decided that I would not lead a life of total abstinence. I probably would try to eat well and savor different experiences.

The oncologist gave me a down-to-earth opinion. No medical doctor would recommend not doing any follow-up chemotherapy given my circumstance. However no medical doctor could guarantee that the chemotherapy would work because there is no “tumor” that can be used as a marker or indicator of its effectiveness.  

May 19 2013

May 19, 2013

The retreat on Friday for single mothers was good. I told Victor that I could not have done better, with or without cancer. The benefit of having cancer was that 1) people (especially the retreat participants) prayed hard for me, 2) I had a testimony to share in addition to the message, 3) I am more dependent on God and others prayers. The negative side of having cancer was that 1) I felt vulnerable and unsure whether I “can pull it off”, 2) I could not be too happy or excited living with a metastasized cancer. It is a bit sad that there might not be future opportunities to serve them.

Still the same prayer – Lord, how then should I live?! 

May 16 2013

May 16, 2013

The pathology report was not as bad as I thought. I was prepared for the Triple Negative Breast Cancer with limited treatment options. The doctor reminded me to be thankful because this recurrence & mestastized cancer is at least “removable.” I would need to wait for another test to clear whether I have HER2 breast cancer. Victor asked the doctor how many years I would have– I was surprised he asked that question. I have come to terms that I am now someone with a chronic illness. Or should I consider myself as someone with a terminal illness?! I may only have a short while. It is also possible that I will live for quite some years. So I have to live life embracing both life and death at the same time. 

May 14 2013

May 14, 2013

One good thing is that now I feel the urgency to do what I should because I may not have the opportunity again. Today I gave the Jesus DVD to the cleaning lady for our office – finally found out her name today and wrote her a note attached to the DVD. She has taught me to grow plants. I have wanted to share the Gospel with her but we can hardly communicate because she spoke Taiwanese. The DVD includes 台语. Seize the moment! 

May 13 2013

May 13, 2013

After the initial fighting spirit, reality gradually sinks in. On Friday I found the herbal medicine doctor did not remember my situation at all while I had felt so awful being “scolded” during the last visit. Oh well! I had a meltdown with Victor for his joking with the doctor and not taking my illness seriously. It was emotionally draining. On Saturday I was feeling quite lethargic and worried that I was not able to pull the Mothers’ Day message off. I then realized even more I am dependent on God entirely – mind, body and spirit.

Mother’s Day Sharing -- Thankfully I was energized. It might not be the best but I did my best. May the Lord work in His own way! It was a small congregation of about 40 people. About half were children/teens from the orphanage/children’s home. I was glad to share with them particularly on Mother’s Day. I hope there will be future opportunities to serve them.

I did some more packing and cleaning. It feels good! My to-do list is now very short. In fact I can now immediately get matters settled if the Lord will call me home. Victor and I cannot identify anything significant that we must do together as a couple. How then should I live? I seriously pray that God will teach me. It feels strange but I suppose it can be good -- first time in life I do not have much of my own striving agenda. Now I wait on the Lord and let the Holy Spirit move and motivate me.

Well I feel like I am going to be Martha, Mary and Lazarus since Jesus loved them all! I will keep myself busy with tasks serving Him, I will listen attentively at His feet and I will passively (or actively?!) wait on His healing or His calling for resurrection this life or next. I hold onto the fact that the Holy Spirit will direct me to His tasks and activities.

May 7 2013

May 7, 2013

Dear friends,

My surgery on April 30 was successful.  Today I received the initial pathology report. News is not good.

First it is metastatic cancer.  Second, it looks like the cancer cells have "changed" from the original.  Third, it appears to be aggressive.

Well, what about good news then? First, the tumor is now removed from surgery. Second, the doctor recommends an oral chemotherapy, which allows for better quality of life at least for now. [Frankly speaking I prayed hard not to go through chemotherapy again!] Third, God is still my ultimate doctor. I promise myself not to lose hope that He can always heal – even Lazarus was raised from the dead after the “long delay.” God can glorify Himself in whatever way He pleases.

The verse from 1 Cor chapter 1: V9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11 as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.”  So I would need your prayers to carry me through.

I finished grading papers for this semester yesterday so that I would be ready to receive the news today.  After searching on the web about metastatic cancer, I find this quote that I like.  “If the fear of cancer keeps you from moving forward, enjoying life, being with loved ones, laughing, then the cancer won, even if it never comes back. But if you reclaim your life, then even if the cancer comes back, it didn't win, because YOU, the PERSON, survived.” Lisa Weissmann, M.D.

So I decide to move forward, please pray for wisdom to learn how to LIVE (how to reorganize my life and reset my priorities). This Sunday I am going to speak at a church on Mother’s Day and I will still go to the single-parent retreat next week. Pray for God’s presence and may He use me as an instrument. I treasure these opportunities even more – They are God's gifts to give me meaning and reason to live!

I am enclosing some of my journal notes if you want to read the "full version" of my experience.

Blessings,

Doris