January 23 2016

Jan 23 2016, Unexpected Hospitalization

I was hospitalized unexpectedly to remove pleural fluid. The procedure became complicated when my lung collapsed without returning to its original position. On top of that, there is a "bubble" in the lung and needs to be removed. I waited and waited.

Then.....Today was quite a day! I had good news in the morning that the lung has some expansion! Then the afternoon crashed into a turmoil in our hospital room. The newly admitted old lady who seemed quite alert and energetic started to choke in the afternoon. The nurse quickly gave her oxygen and did everything needed. The family was immediately contacted. To my surprise that was already a call to say goodbye. They were waiting for the son to return from Shenzhen. The family members cried, saying goodbye, pleading for the lady to hold on and wait for the son to return. It became emotional for the 5 of us bedridden going nowhere but to stay in bed going through this emotional storm. For me I had to watch her fade away with decreasing heartbeat unless I closed my eyes or turned away.  (I was so slow in responding with prayer.) This became unbearable for the lady whose bed was closest to the old lady. She had just managed to calm down yesterday and this trggered her again; she started tearing the tubes off her and spewing angry words towards her husband.

It was very tense! Now everything has calmed down. It is all quiet and you can hear only the cleaning lady. Mostly I felt helpless and guilty that life goes on everyday like this everywhere and it seems like we can do little to make life better despite being a believer.  I have a lot of love and care from family and brothers and sisters in the Lord although I am undeserving. This makes me feel guilty.

Well at the end of the day, what can I say? I guess I hold onto the fact that God loves me. It is not about doing (what I do) or being (who I am) - [I am certainly not a great person.] It is about who He is. God is love. Although I cannot quite make meaning of what I experience today, tonight I rest on Psalm 131 --- My heart is not haughty nor my eyes lofty, neither do I exercise myself in great matters or in things too high for me.  Lord, let me simply rest in your loving arms like a weaned child.