Nov 20, 2013
Dear friends,
You may wonder how I am doing. I have been fine. Praise
God!! In fact after the death anxiety subsided, I am less tired. So I am doing
better!
I am now on my 5th course of chemotherapy.
Well my liver enzymes are still somewhat elevated, but it seems fine to the
doctor for me to proceed. The lump is still there; its size is like an egg, so
it is like having an egg under your armpit. It is not comfortable. But since
death is not imminent, I am learning to live with it as a good thorn that
reminds me to relax and stretch frequently. I am learning to submit my body
into God’s good hands and to trust in His healing hands. I practice more body
awareness exercises through prayer. I ask for your prayers that the Lord may
grant me complete healing according to His good and perfect will.
Now that I have calmed down, I reflected on the 3 “long”
weeks worrying about recurrence and a quick decline of health towards
death. During that time I compiled my to-do list and it is actually
extremely short. I mourned the loss of some unfulfilled dreams and realized
then nothing is really that significant. We would all go back to God alone,
naked. We do not bring our list of accomplishments. Even relationships
would not help in those moments. Now that death is not imminent, I ponder how I
should live. Well there isn’t anything I particularly care to do! The negative
side is that I feel a bit empty, stagnant and listless. I have been such a
“driven” person. The positive side is that now I do not feel the need to
advance and worry less about how I would be perceived or judged by others. No
need to achieve and no need to please -- it is good! I earnestly would like to
live well each day and be able to leave behind some gifts to others although I
do not know what exactly they are yet. I want to use the gifts I am blessed
with to somehow bless others. I pray that I may be able to “give away” what I
have and to finish the race well. I wonder if God has any specific assignment
for me. I wait only on Him! I think it takes the imminence of death to change
me. Thankfully this transforms me to become a bit more God-centered
other-centered and a bit less self-centered. For a while I want to “know”
how many years I have so that I can “plan” accordingly! It really is in God’s
wisdom that I am not to know – I am to discern only the next step.
I still keep the same prayer each day – crying for God’s
mercy when I wake up, committing my mind, body and spirit into His hands. May
He make me a blessing today. It is a simple and good practice to keep me
focused on Him.
Thank you for journeying with me!
Doris
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