August 11 2015

August 11, 2015

Dear Friends,

I have not sent an update through email for a while. Well, after my recurrence in 2013 I had a 2-year oral chemotherapy regimen, which finished in May 2015. I celebrated briefly and went to Shanghai with Victor for a few days. I felt energized and prayed for a job in Hong Kong as I finally resigned from University of Macau. It was a really hard goodbye.

The past year has been a slow process of loss, of letting go, of accepting my lot and ultimately to submit to God's sovereign good will. I have become less focused on my thoughts and feelings and rarely write down my reflections, which is why I had not sent an email update for a while.

After the 1-year no pay leave of absence from University of Macau, I want to find a job in Hong Kong so that I can engage in something more meaningful. Unfortunately most doors were closed. I have the feeling that God is showing me to say goodbye to my career. On the other hand, there are always physical ailments here and there to remind me that I cannot simply move on. While the numbers (cancer markers) appear decent, I started having some pain which became more intense in July. Finally I had a PET/CT early August and sure enough there were metastases here and there, and mostly in the lungs. By now I am quite prepared for the results although it was still hard.

Today the doctor recommended a new target therapy. I have read about it from journal articles almost a year ago. In fact I was about the request that treatment because I am not sure if it is offered in Hong Kong. So I am all ready to accept this treatment except the price tag scares me to death!! Close to HKD$20,000 a month (US$2500). It is like burning money. I cried because I do not want my savings used that way. I  hope to find out whether it is effective at all soon. If not I would not go back to traditional chemotherapy. I would seek palliative care for the final stage. So please pray for God's guidance.

I still want life. But I am praying more for the ability to endure pain during this final stage. I want to transition to the new life and new body feeling hopeful. I am embracing God and that death is only the passage to Him. I pray to be in good spirits (godly spirit) and not doubt His love for me. I have lived a life well loved by others. I want to thank you from the very bottom of my being for all of you. You have blessed my life!! I probably would not send updates anymore but may write an entry for those interested to find out what is going on at The Good Fight www.goodfightdoris.blogspot.com