August 26 2013

August 26, 2013

In my last email (which some of you did not receive) I shared my struggles. People have responded differently. The best part was that some folks shared with me their struggles more intimately – helping me to put my trial in a proper perspective. Indeed this is what I believe – to face who we are before God authentically. So I will share with you my journey for the past two months.

Regarding my arm, I had physical therapy and learned (from the physical therapist) that 1) if I am not in tears for the pain, it is not that bad. 2) If I can move, then I should be thankful and keep on exercising. Now I do water aerobics every morning at 7 am for about half an hour. Then I also have evening prayer walks with Victor, plus some tai chi like exercises before bed. I am better. Praise God.

I still wake up early morning and combat depressed and anxious thoughts and feelings with prayer. It is an opportunity to practice crying out to the Lord and entrusting ourselves to Him. Every day I pray for submission to God’s sovereign will, acknowledging that “we shall die on the day and at the hour and in the manner that God decides, and it is this particular death we should accept, because it is the one most becoming His glory” (Jean Baptiste Saint-Jure). May God be glorified, in our lives or in our deaths! I also practice longing for heaven, and not be too afraid of the transition to eternity through death. At times I get a bit too far, wanting to let go of earthly things too readily and wishing to die quickly (of course desiring a painless process!)

Well I have some time to ponder about work and come to the conclusion that I am content and thankful for my career. I do not need to advance any more. I was then very tempted to just quit my teaching job in Macau and move back to Hong Kong. In fact I was very tempted to take up private practice and perhaps live on the income. This way I do not have to work so hard and I can be with Victor in Hong Kong all the time. But in the process I realize that I do have a calling to serve God in Macau. I felt that the Lord move me to take a step of faith (I would say a huge one in the midst of my current vulnerabilities) to go for BSF training in U.S. and work on starting a pilot class in Macau. I am deeply convinced that we need serious Bible study in Macau. However just when I had booked the ticket and was all set to go (completing the assignments, etc.), this “faith journey” was put on hold when the Headquarters questioned whether I would be physically fit to participate in the intense week-long training and all the follow-up tasks to get a pilot class going. I was having a mild case of flu and feeling so vulnerable I quickly responded by withdrawal from the training. Victor felt that I should have stuck through because we had made all the effort (and some sacrifice) already. From his perspective, my energy level was not that different before chemotherapy – in fact he got the flu too and my symptoms were not worse than his. We both felt that BSF was an important ministry and perhaps someday the Lord willing we can be in China serving and I can be involved in BSF in China. Now some of you have been supportive of my going as a faith journey. Some of you are concerned about my health and suggest I should rest more. Different opinions come from spiritually mature folks who earnestly pray for me. So I come to the conclusion that both are valid and that I can have peace either way – knowing that I love the Lord and my only desire is to follow His will. Moreover I trust in His sovereign will that His plan for me and for Macau BSF is definitely much higher than mine. May His will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Honestly I felt somewhat relieved. I am not sure I can pull through with a BSF commitment. I do not know whether cancer would recur again and how long I would live. It does not seem “right” for me to commit to a 5-year ministry. On the other hand, I may have been overcome by depressed and negative thinking and therefore lose the sense of longevity. I cannot really discern. Mentally I cannot strive and I cannot assert my will over my body. (In the past my volition always prevails and I had overcome many obstacles to reach my goals.) For now, I see the limit of my mental stamina and my will power. But then to go or not does not matter that much. At the break of the day and at the end of the day, I note that I love God. That is all that matters. So I am going to try to serve God without striving much, trusting that the Holy Spirit will direct me and carry me through to do what pleases Him. I live one day at a time and only carry short-term projects (within a few months).

In some way this has been a blessing. God has used this to purify me – there is not much vanity left and since I am somewhat depressed I don’t derive much pleasure in these work or service activities to feed the ego. Service (or work) relieves me from excessive self-focus and negative thinking. It also becomes pathways to make meaning and to experience faith, hope and love. I have prayed for faith, hope and love when I first have cancer 3 years ago because these are the only long lasting gifts that we can bring to eternity. But we do not suddenly acquire them as if they are some external mythical objects. It is in life trials that we receive them and we have to humbly practice faith, hope, and love daily in small matters each day such that these gifts can grow from within.

Victor and I will still be going to U.S. – maybe it is good for us to just enjoy each other and hide out a bit. It will really be our time together – we may not have a lot of these opportunities in the future. So I apologize in advance if we do not contact you or decline visits with you.