July 23 2014

July 23 2014 

Dear friends,

It is close to August! I have been on oral chemotherapy for 1 year now. I have now experienced more of the cumulative side effects. Mostly the liver functioning is not that great, so now I get tired quite a bit, lose appetite, have fatty liver and experience flu-like symptoms a lot of days.  The good news is that the golf-ball size hematoma under my armpits appears to be resolving and the size is now about 1 cm. The bad news is that it has become cystic and so the discomfort stays! I grieve over the slow loss of functioning in different areas. 

I have finished teaching in Macau. Praise God! It was a good semester. I enjoyed it. However I also realized that teaching is physically stressful and at times the workday seems too long with back-to-back teaching, supervision and meetings.  In the past it is fine to stress out a bit and then relax. Nowadays it is hard because I do not bounce back easily.  The greatest challenge is to manage eating and exercising since work easily takes priority.  So I applied for no-pay leave and am prepared to resign. I want to spend a year with Victor, serving alongside with him in case we may not have this opportunity for too long.

The lesson I am struggling with during this time is holding on and letting go. On good days I feel hopeful and want to hold onto the possibility that I may get fully well and continue to live for a while.  I then would want to hold onto professional work or come up with new project ideas and plans.  It makes me feel alive and energetic. On bad days I feel like I would only have a short while on earth and therefore it seems best to walk away and let go. I try to discern the difference between “giving up” and “letting go” – not easy!  Good or bad days are mostly determined by health condition. Usually it is worst at the end of each chemotherapy cycle.  [The irony is that sometimes on “bad days,” people say I look “really good!”] It is difficult to feel hopeful when you are physically not well.  Everything also seems rather meaningless.  I sway between the two – sometimes wanting to make commitments and the next day wanting to withdraw. 

During this time, I have experienced that every time I try to strive, I am held back.  At times I feel discouraged and down trodden. Slowly I have succumbed to resting in God’s sovereign will and pray for peace to embrace whatever God’s plan is on me, and that He may be glorified in my life or death.  I believe it is a dying process to the self-focused life I am so very used to. I am embracing both life and death at the same time physically, mentally and spiritually.

Well despite all this, I still enjoyed teaching a Sunday school class with Victor on 10 healing miracles in the Bible. I prepared the lessons last summer after the recurrence of cancer. I was greatly blessed by this study and was delighted that I lived to share with others what the Lord has taught me. 

During one of my low moments, I made a new commitment to make each day a gift. I tried to give a gift each day. I also counted the gifts I received. So far the balance sheet indicates that I receive a lot (maybe more than I give).  I will share more after I practice this for a few months.  I continue to ask for your prayers – you are God’s great gifts to me!

 Doris