November 8 2015

The Pain of Dying, Nov 8

The past two weeks have been difficult. I learned that the target therapy was not working well and the oncologist recommended me to prepare for 6 cycles of chemotherapy shot. I was also hospitalization again to have pleural (lung) fluid removed.

The hospitalization was unpleasant. First I did not have the usual pain medication provided. Second the removal was difficult, triggering more coughing. Third, I was bed-ridden that night. I (and two other ladies) needed pee-pans. These things were not immediately available as one would wish. Spilling the contents would mess up the bed and clothes you wear. Due to the medication, I also had problems urinating. Combining these three factors, this set off my anxiety over loss of bodily control and feelings of vulnerability, which lingered on for the past two weeks.

I do not want to romanticize the dying process. I have wanted to finish my race with things wrapped up neatly and organized. I have wanted to be the child ready to reunite with parents’ after a long day of school, with everything well done. I hope to be immediately taken by the Lord and be spared of the “dying.” In reality, I toss and turn over the pain and discomfort. I worry about gasping for air, excreting waste, etc.. Yes, there is the spiritual aspect embracing God in the dying process. But the physical and emotional aspects are also very real. I felt that my “vulnerable self” is taking over my usual self. It is as if I regress to the fearful child who cry and cry, over and over unknown pains and discomforts and loss of control.

We are to meet God broken and naked. Old Testament Job 1:21 “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” I feel this nakedness – as I am. Despite all the years of effort overcoming these primitive fears to become confident, capable, achieving, educated, etc.. I do not want to feel naked, helpless and vulnerable. In the dying process, you have to face again who I am. In my nakedness, I cried to the Lord for mercy.

Specific prayer items: 1) Chemotherapy beginning Nov 10. 2) Victor and I having peace in the Lord together regarding His will. 3) Holding onto His presence in times of physical and emotional pain.