May 8 2016

May 8 2016

It is difficult to write this blog entry because I am afraid it might be the last one. Now I felt quite relieved as this may be the last task to complete on earth. Thank you for praying with me in this journey as I sought to wait on the Lord. I also earnestly pray for His healing to have more time life on  earth to serve Him. The Lord was quick to answer that His will would be otherwise. I have no contest. His will really is higher and the best. As I reflect, I would say that my only regret on earth is that I have missed out opportunities to set aside everything to serve Him because I was unwilling to let go of my pursuit of career success. I had falsely justified my vanity by saying that Christians in position of professional expertise (and power and success) can also be a strong testimony. Although this may be applicable to some people, we have to carefully search our hearts in the light of the Holy Spirit. Praise God that despite all, Jesus’ forgiveness and cleansing blood is all sufficient for even me!    During the week holding off treatment, I had some good parties, celebrating the publishing of our book with Victor’s colleagues, dim sum with my supporting “soup ladies”, relatives visiting to say goodbye, etc. I felt quite content that I have completed what is needed on earth. If you feel like having a more personal goodbye, please app or email me so we can make a connection. I do not quite feel energized to have visitors. I shifted to a new chemotherapy last week. So far, I do not seem to be tolerating well as I was not able to continue this week. My pain is becoming very difficult to manage, with various side effects complicating things. I am so ready and eager to leave this body on earth. Lord, I wait on you, have mercy on me, hold my hand and take me to You!

April 11 2016

April 11, 2016

These days I seek to focus my attention on waiting on the Lord.  I ask earnestly that you pray with me.

My cancer index continues to go up. The doctor has suggested trying another chemotherapy drug. I asked to delay one cycle to seek some relief from the gastrointestinal pain, which may be a side effect of chemotherapy. I am working on managing the pain. Please remember me.

I also desire to devote this time to wait on the Lord. I earnestly seek His healing and to have more time serving Him on earth. If His will is otherwise, I pray that He would reveal His will and help me embrace it.

Our book “同作門徒” has come out! (https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10153842203579300&substory_index=0&id=138357479299). My prayer is that the Lord will use this Bible study series to encourage brothers and sisters to follow Him. It has been a great spiritual blessing working on this with Victor (and our fellowship) for the past two years. There are many things I still I want to do on earth, but to follow Him is all that is needed!

Doris

March 3 2106

Mar 3, 2016

My life is now organized in 3-week cycles of chemotherapy. After discharge from hospital, my lungs have remained about the same. There are days I feel that death may be imminent if my lung collapses again or if an infection turns into pneumonia. Other times I believe that I may still live for a while and God has tasks for me to complete. I swing back and forth wanting to be with the Lord and to stay on earth with loved ones. Well, Philippians 1:21-26 (For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain…) Family and friends have visited during Chinese New Year and this past month. I am so blessed!  Now saying goodbye is very painful as it may be the last time.  In the midst of such pain I notice that my love for folks is deeper than I previously thought.

Physically I am very skinny (90 lbs) now. I work hard on eating. Praise God for His constant supply of soup, dumplings, and desserts provided by loving sisters. They keep my appetite alive! May the Lord also nourish them richly with His love!  I also do more breathing exercises. It is difficult to keep my motivation when you only see decline no matter what you do.

I took the challenge to teach Sunday School with Victor on Sunday mornings. This immediately turns out to be the highlight of my week, keeping me focused on worship matters and the study of His Word. Otherwise, I feel quite purposeless as I have completed almost all my tasks on the to-do list. I am close to finishing another book with Victor on 10 healing miracles. Victor wrote the messages. I wrote the bible study questions, the applications for the sick and suffering as well as for the supporters/caretakers. As I do the editing and revisions, I am most delighted to say that I believe and strive to practice what I have written. [From day 1, I want to commit to His sovereign good will.] I am now enriching the content with a brief section on psychological perspectives. After I am done, what is next?! I worry a bit. May the Lord lead.

Prayer Request: 1) To gain weight, 2) To breathe well, 3) To be hopeful despite the rising cancer marker,   4) To keep my spiritual focus.

Doris

February 2 2016

Feb 2 2016, Discharge from Hospital

Two-Week

Well I am discharged after two weeks of hospitalization. The two-week stay was unexpected due to complications. I have an iatrogenic pneumothorax. My lung collapsed. To my disappointment, my lung did not expand back to its original position. However during these two weeks I had so richly experienced God’s blessing that I now embrace the sovereign will of God with gratefulness. My experience with God is beyond words. However I would share those blessings I can easily count with you.

First, I was hospitalized just before the cold weather seized Hong Kong. Otherwise I might have been risk of breathing problems and complications such as pneumonia as well.

Second, I witnessed two ladies passed away. Their beds were opposite mine and I looked into their eyes as they slowly pass away with decreasing heart beat and blood pressure. The Lord prepares me to embrace death by witnessing the physiological aspects of it. The Holy Spirit gently teaches me the hope I have in His salvation, which is markedly different from those who grieved in death and dying without such hope.

Third, the Lord used me in my weaknesses. In my physical and emotional weakness, the Lord taught me to merely set aside my SELF and let Him do His work. As I submit to the Lord, He uses me to bless a person in some unexpected way. Never underestimate God and what He can do through you when you are willing!

Fourth, the discharge was delayed. Initially I was very disappointed. When I submitted to His sovereign good will, I noted that the Lord has prepared a sister (in the Lord), a wound specialist, to manage my wound after discharge. He also used this delay to give me yet another opportunity to bless and be blessed by other patients. His way is higher!

Prayer request:

1. Pray for my lungs to still recover.  May God protect me from infection! 

2. Pray for the effectiveness of another chemo medication that it will control the cancer growth.

3. Pray for time with family. 

January 23 2016

Jan 23 2016, Unexpected Hospitalization

I was hospitalized unexpectedly to remove pleural fluid. The procedure became complicated when my lung collapsed without returning to its original position. On top of that, there is a "bubble" in the lung and needs to be removed. I waited and waited.

Then.....Today was quite a day! I had good news in the morning that the lung has some expansion! Then the afternoon crashed into a turmoil in our hospital room. The newly admitted old lady who seemed quite alert and energetic started to choke in the afternoon. The nurse quickly gave her oxygen and did everything needed. The family was immediately contacted. To my surprise that was already a call to say goodbye. They were waiting for the son to return from Shenzhen. The family members cried, saying goodbye, pleading for the lady to hold on and wait for the son to return. It became emotional for the 5 of us bedridden going nowhere but to stay in bed going through this emotional storm. For me I had to watch her fade away with decreasing heartbeat unless I closed my eyes or turned away.  (I was so slow in responding with prayer.) This became unbearable for the lady whose bed was closest to the old lady. She had just managed to calm down yesterday and this trggered her again; she started tearing the tubes off her and spewing angry words towards her husband.

It was very tense! Now everything has calmed down. It is all quiet and you can hear only the cleaning lady. Mostly I felt helpless and guilty that life goes on everyday like this everywhere and it seems like we can do little to make life better despite being a believer.  I have a lot of love and care from family and brothers and sisters in the Lord although I am undeserving. This makes me feel guilty.

Well at the end of the day, what can I say? I guess I hold onto the fact that God loves me. It is not about doing (what I do) or being (who I am) - [I am certainly not a great person.] It is about who He is. God is love. Although I cannot quite make meaning of what I experience today, tonight I rest on Psalm 131 --- My heart is not haughty nor my eyes lofty, neither do I exercise myself in great matters or in things too high for me.  Lord, let me simply rest in your loving arms like a weaned child. 

December 21 2015

Dec 21, 2015

During this time, Victor and I have a discrepancy – I am eager to be with the Lord and feel that we should be grieving our eventual separation. Victor perceives differently and believes God will somehow provide a way out. Sometimes we feel a tension due to this difference. What binds us together is that we are both committed to seeking the sovereign will of God. I guess this is critical in marriage – to seek God’s will for each of us individually and as a couple, trusting that He would lead and guide accordingly, (and not insisting on our own position).

Today I got the CT scan results indicating that the cancer had spread to the liver and bones. I am not surprised with the findings. I decide to still proceed with the 3rd chemotherapy cycle as scheduled tomorrow and then give some time to consider whether it is time to discontinue treatment and shift to palliative care. Although there are still “chemotherapy treatment options,” I believe at some point I want to make the decision with peace and conviction.

Some folks are convinced that Christians “must” pray for healing with faith. I do not exactly agree. My faith is that God can certainly heal and it can be in whatever way that pleases him. He can work through traditional or alternative medicine, diet, exercise, meditation and different spiritual practices, etc., but His miracles are not bound by these means, His miracles are above and beyond. Some folks believe that we should always be “positive.” I do not need a false hope that I would get better. I am not waiting for death. I am “waiting on the Lord“, and for His will for me to be fulfilled. I want to complete His will for me on earth and press towards the finish line. May the Lord be merciful and carry me through! 

December 2 2015

Dec 2, 2015

Well I become impatient, hoping that the Lord would take me to Him in my sleep or something, so that I may be spared from the painful treatment! The truth is there is no escape for now. I must walk step-by-step. So I had my 2nd chemotherapy shot yesterday.

These days my body has continued to decline – more dizziness, easily fatigue, etc.. Gradually it has become more challenging to focus on praying and on His Word. It is generally easier to be passive in worship (listening to hymns, have others pray for me, etc.) than to be active. Victor and I started work on a new Sunday School series on leadership through the study of Kings and Chronicles. This keeps me going a little bit. But overall it is easy to “feel distant” from God without the usual church activities and spiritual practices. Sometimes I also have “bad dreams” of a spiritual nature. This may be due to the medication causing nightmares or just my body not being able to rest well. It can feel spiritually disconcerting.

I cry earnestly for the Lord’s mercy. The prayer deep in my heart is that God will allow me to go to Him in peace with confidence and joy, not in fear or in bitterness feeling abandoned by His love because of pain. Lord, help me hold onto you. 

Doris