September 6 2010

September 6 First Day of Radiation therapy

A lot has happened since my last blog entry. My condition stabilized towards the end of the week. The benefit of the experience is that I am more aware of my body. My usual body temperature is 36.8 to 37.0. When it is 37.4, I would feel quite irritable. When it reaches 38.0, my thoughts become quite negative and my judgment is not good. Now I know to order myself to rest more readily. Another benefit was that I quickly seek help from colleagues to substitute for me for the weekend student retreat I was responsible for. I was able to go back to Macau on Saturday and Sunday and manage to attend two sessions. Victor and I returned on Sunday night; I rested and got ready for today’s radiation therapy.

I was thankful for the students’ support. I realized I do really love what I do. It is a privilege and I am grateful for ten good years in higher education the Lord has given me. There are tears too, which has helped me grow as a person and enriched my life. It dawned on me that there may be a day when I would not be up to par to give my students the best education experience I would like to, and that it is possible that I cannot hold my job. I may still be able to work, but a significant reduction of workload and not keeping a “career-type” job. I may not be able to advance anymore. I feel sad. I have always wanted to learn, to improve myself, to become better, to advance, to discover my potential, to reach the impossible dream… I have always prayed that I would become the woman God wants me to. For once, I believe that perhaps I have become the woman God wants me to be. However I may not become the woman I want to be. If it is the Lord who is writing the script, can I truly be contented with who I am?

Today I had my first radiation therapy.

I had to lie on my back, raised my hands up next to my head and stayed in the exact position without moving. It took the team quite a while to figure out the details and they have to call on the doctors to check things out. During this time my left arm had become so numb I almost felt “dissociated” from it. I began to feel panicky as this triggers some of my deeper fears: that I would lose control over my body while my mind is still active and alive. Lately I have thought a lot about my sister (who was in a vegetative state after a car accident) and my mother (who passed away having amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or Lou Gehrig’s disease, a progressive neurodegenerative disease). I was shocked by my own reaction - I was close to being in tears and I had to tell the staff I was about to panic (and move). On one hand, I am working on trustful surrender to the Lord’s sovereignty over my body under all circumstances and that His love would be there to carry me through. On the other hand, I am also working on faith in His healing power, that it is possible for me to regain health and live a vibrant life. It seems that true faith requires me to have both. The fluctuation in bodily temperature, the side effects from chemotherapy and this numbness had stirred up all this. I pray that the Lord will continue to teach me and grant me faith in Him