May 18 2010

May 18 Hair Loss Day

Today is a day full of mixed emotions.

First I felt much strength and joy when exercising in the morning. Then there was major hair lost during the shower. It is paradoxical that it is both a time to die and a time to live. I continue to pray that the cancer cells would die while the normal cells would recover and become more resilient. I also pray that I would die to my old self and my new self will emerge more fully in Him. [Eph. 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. NIV]

I had a special date with Victor today. We went to “Dialogue-in-the-dark,” (http://www.dialogue-in-the-dark.hk/) a 75-minute journey in darkness exploring different environments. I read about the exhibition in a magazine and decided that it would be a good experience for me during this time of illness. Indeed we both have a greater appreciation of the challenges faced by those with visual impairments. I learn too that instead of focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, I must appreciate the experiences within the tunnel as well. We still live even in darkness. When we cannot see, the Lord can reach out to us in other ways. His appearance can be a gentle whisper (I was reminded of Elijah’s experience in 1King 19:11-13); we must therefore hold onto the Holy Spirit within us who leads and guides.

In the afternoon, Victor told me the good news about his medical checkup. Everything is right within the normal and healthy range. The report was even better than when he was in U.S. Praise the Lord! Then suddenly I turned irrational and became jealous – I tried to do the right things for health too but how come I had cancer?! I got mad when he claimed that it was because he exercised more! The truth is I lose confidence that I can take care of my health. Did I not have a “clean” bill of health during my last mammogram? I do not really know what is going on within my body and do not have real control of it. I must once again trust in my sovereign Lord's good will. Health or no health let us love the Lord with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our mind.

Ps 18:28 You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.