May 16 2010

May 16 Mandatory Retreat

Last week I was easily tired and at times slightly dizzy. I noticed I felt much better physically by Friday (Day 11 of the chemotherapy cycle) but this may also be due to having my favorite Starbucks Mocha.

The Lord provided His special blessings each day when my flesh was weak. I am learning to trust my body in His hands since it is already offered to Him (Romans 12:1). I was reminded a few times that this “mandatory retreat” is good for my soul, a golden opportunity to draw close to God. In my study on the word “heal” I came across Psalm 103. Here is v. 1-5

1 Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits —

3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Isn’t this a great passage?!

I am embarrassed to share that despite these spiritual blessings I felt guilty for not being “productive.” Insecurity seeps in when I have not “accomplished anything." While I know that our lives are not to be measured by achievements, I cannot help but judge myself that way. The truth is I value my own “contributions” more than receiving the Lord’s grace and blessings.

I ask your prayer on this, that I may be released from this "hook on accomplishment." Pray that I may have courage to plunge into this retreat mode, trusting in His providence of daily manna and be content in His presence "without doing much."