June 7 2010

June 7th Tears Come and Go

These days I do become a bit “touchy.” Victor was a bit worried when he noticed me in tears for nothing. I explained to him that in usual days I am always in gear ready to handle all sorts of responsibilities with little room to experience emotions more fully. Tears are not bad. They can be joyful tears too. Oftentimes I am deeply moved by gratefulness. Other times I am just keenly aware of my own physical and emotional vulnerabilities. Feelings come and go. The key is to turn all our emotions to God; the Holy Spirit will guide us to look beneath and beyond the emotions so that we may know who we are and who God is.

I am becoming more thankful for this “mandated retreat” that allows me to let down my usual defenses. [Or was I stripped of my usual defense mechanisms? Of course this is a matter of perspective as well!] Positive thinking and coping skills are good. They have carried me a long way in life. But the Lord uses this illness (and the need for isolation) to carve out time and space for me to immerse in self-reflection, personal “therapy" and soul searching.

Ps 27:13-14: I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. NIV

After my last blog entry I was bogged down about food again when my sister said I was not eating enough meat. This led to an obsessive internet search on protein intake, careful examination of the nutritional value of different brands, followed by an attempt to calculate my daily intake. Of course there are all these controversies about what is good and what is bad. It makes me feel like whatever I do, it is wrong or at least not good enough. Finally I stopped and decided to take it easy. It seems like I would still need to gobble up more food this week to prepare for the 3rd shot next week. Thank you for sharing with me in this journey.