June 27 2010

June 27 Back on Track?

Yesterday morning I woke up with a not-so-pleasant dream. The new semester started and it was the first day of class - somehow the enrolment, the scheduling, the room arrangements were all messed up and I could not manage to get the course going. The course was “History of Psychology” that I knew nothing about. I told Victor the only thing I did right in the dream was speaking in English – at least I retained some skills. I noted my anticipation anxiety about the upcoming semester is two months in advance. Yes, everything needs to fit perfectly in the next 2 months – the 3 chemotherapy cycles cannot be delayed. The radiotherapy schedule needs to be in the morning so I have enough time to travel back for classes. Somehow I trust that it will all work out; nevertheless the dream reflects some latent anxiety!

My wishful thinking is that I don’t need to go back to work; the truth is I have to. Cancer does not exempt me from the realities of life. I have the privilege to take a nice break from various responsibilities, thanks to family and friends who pamper me with love and colleagues who support me with generosity. There is a part of me that wants to be lay back forever; the fact is my life is not just for me as I still have obligations to others. Moreover, my life belongs to my Creator and the only real choice is to acknowledge Him and surrender to Him willingly and joyfully. I have to admit that sometimes I resist this choice, feeling entitled to moan and groan and wanting to claim the right to do nothing! Unfortunately such resistance only makes one miserable.

I am not sure I can be back on track. For a while, I feel repulsive towards “work,” but these are the projects I have felt very passionate about – the faith-related research project with Christian colleagues, the opportunity to be involved in advancing clinical psychology / mental health in Macao, the leadership training / development work with college students, etc. I used to feel like a train on track, fueled by my passion and capabilities (from education and experience)and moving towards a clear destination. God was in all this as well, as I also had a ministry direction. In illness however I am so ready to just let go and everything seems illusive. I am shocked by how easily and readily my passion and my confidence collapsed. But then when my concern shifts to the protein content of soy drink and tofu, what passion can I retain? When I am clueless whether my body is generating enough new blood cells, what confidence can I hold onto? I am not sure whether Satan disrupts my plans or God shatters them in order to lead me to another path. I trust that ultimately God is sovereign and He uses every circumstance to work out His perfect plan.

I have to wait and see how I would return. My priorities have definitely changed. I have a better grasp that the end goal is about loving God and the activities are really just the means. I do not know whether I would be going back on the same path but walk it with a different inner quality or I will walk one step at a time to discover a new path. I am praying for two things in the future; not sure I can have both and whether the two can really co-exist although I desire both.

1. To live a life of giving and fight the GOOD FIGHT as Paul has:

“For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” 2 Tim 4:6-7

2. To live a happy life enjoying God’s gifts and not worrying about the longevity of life (and recurrence of cancer):

“Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him — for this is his lot. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work — this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart. Eccl 5:18-20

我所見為善為美的、就是人在神賜他一生的日子喫喝、享受日光之下勞碌得來的好處．因為這是他的分。 神賜人資財豐富、使他能以喫用、能取自己的分、在他勞碌中喜樂．這乃是神的恩賜。他不多思念自己一生的年日．因為神應他的心使他喜樂。