July 1 2010

July 1st The Missing Piece about Hezekiah

I wrote a blog entry on Hezekiah in March 26 (Reflections on Hezekiah). The Lord has an amazing reminder for me today. In the previous entry, I had only focused on the “bad” – the one thing that Hezekiah failed in his last days. This indeed is my tendency, to focus only on the errors and mistakes and overlook the good. I missed an importance piece – his writing after his recovery. The writing speaks for my soul. May the Lord bless you through these words as well.

Isa 38:9-14

9 A writing of Hezekiah king of Judah after his illness and recovery:

10 I said, "In the prime of my life must I go through the gates of death and be robbed of the rest of my years?"

11 I said, "I will not again see the Lord, the Lord, in the land of the living; no longer will I look on mankind, or be with those who now dwell in this world.

12 Like a shepherd's tent my house has been pulled down and taken from me.

Like a weaver I have rolled up my life, and he has cut me off from the loom;

day and night you made an end of me.

13 I waited patiently till dawn, but like a lion he broke all my bones; day and night you made an end of me.

14 I cried like a swift or thrush, I moaned like a mourning dove. My eyes grew weak as I looked to the heavens. I am troubled; O Lord, come to my aid!"

15 But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this. I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul.

16 Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live.

17 Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me

from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.

18 For the grave cannot praise you, death cannot sing your praise; those who go down to the pit cannot hope for your faithfulness.

19 The living, the living — they praise you, as I am doing today; fathers tell their children about your faithfulness.

20 The Lord will save me, and we will sing with stringed instruments all the days of our lives in the temple of the Lord.

Additional Reflections:

I note that verse 15 the “anguish” of my soul, the word is bitter [OT:4751 mar (mar); or (feminine) marah (maw-raw'); from OT:4843; bitter (literally or figuratively); also (as noun) bitterness, or (adverbially) bitterly:]. This “bitterness of the soul” also occurred 4 times in Job and 1 time with Hannah. Hannah, Job and Hezekiah have all tasted bitterness of the soul in their disease and suffering. The Lord allowed them to experience this bitterness of the soul and He then turned it into praise and thanksgiving.

This bitterness (marah) was the same word used in Exodus 15:23 as well. When I first began my chemotherapy, I had a blog entry (May 5th First Day of Chemotherapy) about this same word “marah” in the dessert (Exodus 15: 23). I had asked the Lord to provide the piece of wood from the tree that will make the water (chemo drug) sweet for my body to take in. I pray once again for this piece of wood from His cross that can turn everything bitterness into sweetness.

In verse 17, “suffered such anguish” is actually “marah marah” (also translated as "great bitterness.”

Dear friends, I cannot make it without your praying with me in this journey.

Surely it was for my benefit (shalom) that I “marah marah.”

Lord, I will walk humbly all my years because of this “marah” of my soul.

July 1st Answered Prayers

A few days ago, I was praying desperately that God would once again show me His call or provide some sort of vision so that I can look ahead with meaning and purpose. Let me share with you how God has answered me.

In discouragement I decided to google one of my teachers in graduate school to seek some inspiration. Beth has been a wonderful role model - she is an extremely talented psychotherapist invested in the integration of analytic psychology and spiritual formation. Better still, she inspires you to draw near to God. Beth was first diagnosed with breast cancer 5 days after giving birth to her daughter just when she was ready to launch her teaching career. I was then first year in my doctoral studies at Rosemead School of Psychology and remembered praying for her. After battling the first round and recovered, her breast cancer re-occurred 7 years later, this time already metastasized to the bones. By then I just began my journey as a faculty member at Azusa Pacific University and became a colleague of her husband. The couple is well known to our community of Christian psychologist at Fuller, Rosemead and APU.

Indeed I found an article on the internet written by Beth. [‘Winter Meets Its Death', Psychoanalytic Inquiry, (2008) 28: 5, 599 — 611]. She shared about how her terminal illness impacted one of her patients and in the process of encountering grief, loss, death and dying; both became more alive to God and to others. Let me quote her:

“These clinicians seemed to be more “alive” as they faced their own deaths or their clients’ deaths—more alive to grief and anguish, but also more alive to the possibility of connections across loss and realms of being. Both psychoanalysis and spirituality provide an opportunity for us to develop in our capacity to become more relationally alive. We have the privilege and the call from our human nature to do all in our power, via relationships, to move ourselves and our patients towards the full experience of being alive—for the glory of God."

Beth’s perspective as a psychotherapist committed to spiritual transformation is particularly enlightening. After reading the article I “rediscovered” my call. The Lord refreshed my memories and reminded me what my first love was. I bumped into a teaching career “accidentally” but certainly in the perfect will of God. My call (and my passion) was actually a very simple one; the projects and programs are in fact secondary.

Well, by the amazing grace of God, Beth continued to live – she has been through all sorts of chemotherapy and treatment for the past 10 years. One chemo drug failed and then another worked for a while…but she continued to live vibrantly. She now had a blog as part of a research project at UCLA. I went to her blog and read all her previous newsletters (for the past 10 years) in 2 days. I knew of some of these events as a colleague of her husband but now I can really share her experience as a breast cancer patient. On the concrete side, I learned about how she handled side effects. Well her veins have lasted for 10 years. There were so many things (psycho-spiritual stuff) I could easily identify with. God used her writings to encourage, comfort, and revive me. Moreover, I learned from Beth’s life that God can keep us occupied with gladness of heart (Eccl 5:18-20) and indeed we can live our lives as a drink offering like Paul in his good fight (2 Tim 4:6-7). All this can occur even in the midst of recurrence of cancer. [My prayer in June 27th blog entry “Back on Track?” was indeed answered. May God help me live life fully!!]

I figured writing this blog is indeed good and therapeutic for me. Now I realize it may also bless someone later on down the road.

Thank you for all your sharing and comments.