August 1 2010

August 1 Our Wedding Anniversary

Yesterday we shared our 11th wedding anniversary. We have lots of happy wedding anniversaries celebrating with family and friends in the past; this is the first one we share “in sickness and in health.” Overall it was a tiring day because the chemo drug side effects are worst on 4th and 5th day. Nevertheless the Lord gave us sufficient grace to be joyful. We went out for dinner at the Ma Wan beach and even brought our wedding wine glasses along to take some pictures. Afterwards I felt totally worn out and crashed on the bed. Victor downloaded the pictures on the computer and was shocked by the images – we had aged significantly! So it was not such a "great" day for both of us.

When I first discovered I had breast cancer, I was initially quite worried for Victor. He had a difficult childhood without parental love and presence. I thought the threat of loss would trigger denial, withdrawal and detachment. [You can see this is a psychologist’s thinking!] As we faced the illness together, I was quite amazed to find that perhaps his wounds may have been healed; he may cope much better than I imagine.

In the early days of our marriage, the Lord has reminded me a few times that my task was to be his helper. Since then I have tried my best to be faithful in loving him, carefully protecting his vulnerabilities that stem from growing up in a broken home. As a pastor’s wife, I also felt a stronger obligation to manage a lot of things to meet this “good helper” standard. In early January this year, we were teaching a Sunday school class “Couples in the Bible” together. When preparing for lessons and reflecting on our marriage, I recalled feeling that I could not do any better as a helper and that our marriage was “as good as it can be”. I noted, and was therefore thankful that when the Lord instructed me to be a faithful helper, He has used the process to shape me – slowly I have become more loving and less self-focused (narcissistic). The love and stability in our relationship supports Victor (and me) to develop his (our) potential and become the best he (we) can be. When cancer hit home in late March, I was pleasantly "surprised" to find that our marriage can always be better, since growth in the Lord's love is without limits. As we explore sickness, aging and death together, I discovered Victor’s strength. I can depend on him to care for me. Plus he is my helper too and he has showed willingness to take over a lot of things that used to be my responsibilities. In my weakness, it brings out the best in him as well.

In our daily lives, our marriage is much like by our wedding anniversary - it is not that romantic! Yet we are thankful to the Lord – our marriage has been good. The blessing of marriage is really not simply “being happily married.” God puts us together so that we may love one another and in the process we bring out the best in each other in all circumstances. I pray that the love of God is in the innermost of your marriage and by loving each other, you become the best you can be!