March 25 2010

March 25 2010 Am I "Good Enough" to face God

Yesterday I was almost in tears because the sofa that we ordered did not arrive. I need it desperately to support my back as none of our chairs serve that purpose and the wounds do not allow me to lie flat on the bed. In the past I would be embarrassed to share this with others as I despise my own “juvenile” emotions. Now I do have a different perspective about human weaknesses.

When I first learned about the cancer, I had asked the Lord whether I am ready to face death because I am not sure if I am “good enough” to meet Him. If you are my long-time friends, you may know that I frequently struggle with being “good enough.”

After the surgery, I have to deal with primitive bodily needs such as getting a sip of water, the passing of waste, and even breathing… (It is no wonder Freud made such a big deal about oral, anal and genital needs!). The Lord has spared me from any major complications, so I only have mild difficulties with these basic needs. One night while sitting on the toilet bowl, struggling (forgot what the issue was), I choked (it hurts to cough). I prayed to the Lord to help me. When you are dependent on the Lord with these very basic primary needs, you are really humbled; there is no room for pride. At the end when someday we pass through death, we would all eventually face this loss of bodily functions. We have to trust God to help us transition into the life after.

It dawned on me that Our Lord Jesus willingly came to earth to become one of us. He chose to become man and was an infant with basic bodily needs, dependent on others care. This assures us of His acceptance of all our weaknesses as human, even when one day our body and our functions may become an embarrassment. He had also experienced death and He will help us transition into the life after death. How great is His love!

I remembered an old song from Urbana – Lord of the Universe (Margaret Clarkson) and I sang it in the bathroom (silently in my heart).

Lord of the Universe, Hope of the World

Lord of the (lyrics forgotten here) ….

Here on this planet, you live our brief years,

Vastness confined in the womb of a maid,

Born in our likeness you ransomed our race,

Savior we worship you, more and yet more,

Help us to honor you, more and yet more.

When God’s love is very real, “good-enough” is not a relevant question. It is almost silly to ask that. I prayed to the Lord that He would help me hold onto His love. (At the end we cannot hold onto our intelligence, strength, accomplishments, good deeds…)

I do not exactly know how yet and may He teach us to hold onto Him and His love.