July 20 2010

July 20th Prayer Request for Discernment

I would like to ask your prayers for discernment re: work life.

I have been praying about this since I was diagnosed with cancer and have shared my learning here and there in my blog entries. A few weeks ago, the Lord has reminded me of His call (I wrote about in Blog Entry on July 1st Answered Prayers). However since then I do not have any new insights.

As the new semester will start soon, I am feeling some anticipation anxiety again – like a small kid wondering whether I am up to par to meet the challenges of school. For a few days, I told Victor that I do not want to go back to work and would rather be a stay-home wife. Plus I do not want to leave him and go to Macao – since I have now become his very dependent wife. So this is a bit freaky to him (as well as to me)! Most of you know me as someone who loves work! I love to be in action and be with people. So I am not sure whether this is temporary (a chemotherapy side effect!) or what?!

Testimonies from folks who had been through cancer frequently mention a change in priorities, cherishing relationships and family time more than work achievements and success. In some way I expect such a change as well. However I have not figured out exactly what and how to change. It seems that the things I had been doing originally were good and meaningful. Yet somehow I cannot rewind back to prior-cancer days and move on from that same spot. I am an off track train that has lost its steam, not knowing yet how I can find my new track or crank up my engine. I felt unsure about my direction as I look ahead – How then should I live? What should I be doing?

I am also facing the reality of a potentially shortened life and some limitation in energy. I wrote the list of things that I would “like to do” – it is still very long! They range from leading a child relaxation group to trying a Sunday school curriculum on forgiveness to many other things… Some of these ideas may need to be shelved and I may need to grieve through a loss of some identities. Then there is the list of things I “have to do” such as program reports, academic writing, etc. Some of them require “responsible closure,” making proper arrangements to wrap up these commitments should the Lord steer me towards a new direction.

I am praying to wait on the Lord patiently and to discern His will.

P.S. In the meantime I am recovering slowly this week. Praise the Lord! Getting ready for the next round of chemotherapy next week.