April 20 2010

April 20 Some Paradoxes

Yesterday my morning routine of devotion and exercise was disrupted because the home help came in the morning. Not good missing that personal time to anchor in the Lord. Afterwards I rushed to the hospital – regarding the treatment it was somewhat as expected. I was prepared to ask about 2 chemotherapy regimens – FAC versus TAC. I have second thoughts about my decision though - should I pay for a drug with more side effects because recent research suggests it increase the survival rate by a few percent or should I go with the regular regimen with fewer side effects and use the money for herbal medicine afterwards? It is a paradox - cancer drugs destroy the good and the bad. Will it work as a medicine or a poison in my body? I have to hold onto God who heals. Please pray for wisdom and peace.

Yesterday at the hospital I suddenly became fearful of remaining a patient, going in and out of hospital for the rest of my life. Thoughts of aging, declining health and death without the support of family and friends’ haunt me. I tried to restrain these “negative thoughts.” But then mindfulness training would suggest that we come to accept these thoughts and feelings. In order to break free from fears (of pain, illness, death, etc.) the only path is to face them as they are and accept them. Fears exist within us and not in the circumstances. I am learning to accept these realities of life. Perhaps I can find courage and strength when confronting with my own fears and frailties.

“Work” is tricky when one is in some serious illness. I feel bored, guilty and useless when I don’t do any work. However when I start working, I become easily frustrated because I cannot go full steam. This leads to self-doubt and feeling useless as well. Either way I don’t feel very good! I try to hold onto or look forward to a future work life and yet at the same time I am letting go of work aspirations. I think I would continue to live in this paradox – wanting to immerse in work and have contributions and yet needing to somewhat detach and not let work becomes the center of my life. Hopefully I put work in the right perspective.

I am embracing life and death at the same time!

At the end of the day when I prayed with Victor, I acknowledged that my condition is trivial compared to the earthquake victims and many other people in much more trying circumstances. Lord, grant me the strength to live each day to the best I can.

Please also pray that home help arrangements would work out as chemotherapy is starting soon! Really need God's blessing on that.